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“Why Hot Sauce Doesn’t Taste Good When You’re Sick!…..A bedroom tale…

Well, I told myself when I launched last week that I would try and post at least 3 times a week.  It’s already Wednesday of week 2 and this is my first post, and it’s a commentary, not a review or a recipe. “So what’s up with that?” you might be thinking.  Actually, the post title gives it away.  Last Friday night I found myself in a hotel room in Monroe, LA, and not feeling all too good.  I was on the way home from Little Rock, where I experienced some fine BBQ at Whole Hog Cafe (see the blog post), and had planned to stop for the night in Monroe, La.  An extra treat was spending time with Tracy and Kristi Carter of Jac’s Tailgater’s, who live in Monroe.  We went to dinner and had a wonderful visit.  And then, my night took a turn for the worse. Some might even label it bizarre!!!

By 10pm, I was coughing, fever, chills, stomach churning, etc etc etc. I’ll spare you all the graphic details. I was officially sick.  All of a sudden sick.  The kinda sick where you go, “what did I eat?”, “what’s wrong with me?”, “Was the movie “Contagion” really true after all?”, and finally, “man, I sure wish I’d have gotten my flu shot!”. And after a few hours of misery, I drifted off thinking something bizarre like, “hotsauce doesn’t taste good when you’re sick”, and then, everything got a little blurry……..

I vaguely remember the yellow bhut brick road, with a fresh layer of volcano dust (a recent eruption, I was sure), and it was lined with habaneros, bhuts and red peppers.  I danced through red fields of ripe moruga scorpion peppers, and frolicked among the Cayenne’s, Serrano’s, and Pequin’s!!!  And then I turned and saw flying Thai Monkeys coming after me – throwing apples and murmuring something about me calling them Monkeybutts and messing up their sweet apple harvest! I ran from them shouting, “Holy Jolokia”, i’ve gotta get my BigFats outta here!!!!  And a hula girl was there, and I asked her why hot sauce didn’t taste good when you’re sick, and she said, man, you sure got some bigfats! How many you got? Is that 108, or 208….no, you got 808 bigfats….Daaaaang!!

And then it got even stranger…..I ran into a salty pirate carrying a white zombie, with a red hot robin perched on his shoulder.  And I asked him, Cap’n? Why doesn’t hotsauce taste good when you’re sick? And the robin looked at me and said, “I’ll Jacks yer Tail, Gater!  stay out of that bayou…its gold and thick like mustard. What!? I exclaimed! I’m losing my mind….What kind of Intensity Academy is this? Then these guys come walking up…one in a suit that looked like it was on fire, and kept saying, Hi, I’m Zane….no, I’m Zack….no, I’m Zane! no….I’m Zack!!!! And his buddy, Joe, had a head full of hair and it was flaming huge flames!!!!! He was asking Zane…no…Zack…. no, Zane, no…..  anyway, this flaming joe guy was looking for his red hot robin.  I started to tell him and his schizophrenic pal that they were some kind of loco gringos, when the refining fire department showed up in their Hazmat outfits, talking about going to Defcon 3, or something like that.  Ole Ray asked them if they had a plan, and they said they’d just wing it.

Well, I kept on down the road, looking for the answer to my burning question, and took a break under a silverleaf tree, next to some howling peno’s,  when I smelled something to my side.  I turned and saw some garlicky greengo pouring something that looked like evil ooze all over everything!! I took off down the road and made a hotline to Melinda’s. Surely Melinda would know why hotsauce doesn’t taste good when you’re sick. That’s where I saw the black mamba….and more surprisingly, an angry cock and a happy beaver were fighting over it, and then a fiery cajun swooped in and zapped ’em…..murmuring something about turning them into voodoo ash, then laughing and saying mercy beaucoup…..anyway, I had reached the crystal city by this point and wanted to see the fieri guy behind the curtain! I explained to the man at the door, who wouldn’t stop talking and kept telling me he loved it spicy, that my night had gone from mild to wild, and I never had my questions answered, and I had to get home.  I told him I had to get to my address, 1851, or was it 1498……darn, can’t remember, but anyways, I had had a dia de los muertos, and I had to get home before the heartbreaking dawn. And I still needed to know why hotsauce doesn’t taste good when you’re sick. And then the cajohn man behind the curtain told me I always had the power to go home….just repeat the Q…and rub.  And he was starting to answer my burning question when everything went blurry again…..and that’s the last thing I remember before i woke up….

I was sick until yesterday, and even then I was still a little weak.  I still don’t know the answer to my burning question, ” why hot sauce doesn’t taste good when you’re sick!”  Maybe on my next adventure…

In the meantime, take your vitamins, get your flu shot, wash your hands a lot, and remember….It’s a Fiery World!!!!!!

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